The last time I blogged was also the last time I remember having a clear voice and perspective. After that, things became cloudy and unclear.
I didn’t know what I wanted and was just confused as all hell. It was a different time; I had a boyfriend then and a piece of shit MacBook. I now have zero boyfriends and a MacBook Pro with Retina Display. Be jelly.
I am pleased to say that fairly recently things became clear. As Katy Perry would say, I’m “Wide Awake.”
I just realized that two of my friends have intentionally described me (to me) as “motivated”. In both separate instances they were showering me with compliments and trying to validate my existence because, you know, that’s what you do when people are going through a breakup. But it seemed like a peculiar and random word to throw in the list of Jenni compliments. It seems to be an echo throughout my friend group that keeps reverberating back to me.
“Jenni…jenni…jenni….remember how you’re motivated…motivated…motivated…!!!”
It also would appear that they’re trying to tell me something about this point in my life. I know my friends probably think that I have been very unmotivated in the last year or so. They would be 100% correct. But I think most of them understand what I’m going through and thus understand my disinterest in moving forward. Luckily and surprisingly, I actually think I’m starting to rise out of it! I feel the incline starting to happen underneath me, and I’m going up it slowly but surely.
I do wonder how many people think that my involvement in my relationship had been crushing my aspirations and confidence. I have to admit that my self esteem is somewhat low compared to my expectations of myself. Sure, I feel generally confident in myself and think I can live up to an acceptable standard. But as a 25-year-old woman, I would like to have HIGH self esteem. The first step? I need a new wardrobe that doesn’t remind me of everything I’m trying to move on from. Know what else it means? It’s time to start being as healthy as I’d always imagined I’d be at age 25. DAMMIT. Isn’t that infuriating? I am a disappointment to 19-year-old Me. I always thought “Oh, when I’m 25 I’ll peak in attractiveness and have mastered weight management.” Totes not the case! And so—SWEEPING DECLARATION: I have decided to put an end to this nonsense. It’s time to climb out of this rut and start being the Me I’ve always wanted to be.
I’ve been wanting to clean out my closet for quite some time, just because there’s so much I never wear, and I could really use the cash. So today I decided to go through the painful process of getting rid of all my clothes, which are basically just memories attached to emotions attached to wooden hangers. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely not looking forward to listening to the trendy hipster bitch at Buffalo Exchange offer me $4 for last year’s Birthday dress. But I never wear it, I need money for my next Justin trip, and it was a shitty Birthday anyway. I’m going to look at it as this: I’m giving up each bland and crappy past memory and exchanging it for $4 to spend making new memories. And more specifically, I can spend the trade money on new outfits that JUSTIN FUCKING BIEBER is going to see me in. Indeed, those types of outfits are way more important.
And see? Look how much space I made in my closet!
This wardrobe cleanse and replenishment will be a great jump-start into my plan to re-invent myself. And I know a lot of people would say I should wait until I lose weight to trash all my old clothes and replace them with new clothes. But I believe it’s more important to build my self-esteem now so that I can gain the confidence to move forward. I know this works because I have watched A LOT of What Not To Wear in my 25 years. I totally believe that a new wardrobe can help to transform a person. It’s all about the power of high self-esteem and confidence! #TRUTH
Things I’ve learned from cleaning out my closet:
- Too much grey and pink! I need more red, green and brown. And purple. Basically, I need more colors.
- It makes me happy that my old fangirl merchandise would now be considered “cool” because the general world finally understands the genius of Justin Timberlake. I’m so excited for like 5 years from now when I wear my retro JB shirt and everyone is on board 🙂
- I dress too conservative and nice. What happened to all my cleavage shirts!? I swear I used to show cleavage like it was my JOB in high school. It’s time for that to happen again.
CLEAVAGE TIME, EVERYBODY. GET READY BECAUSE THE TITS ARE COMING OUT!!!
(But don’t worry, it’ll be classy cleavage. Nothing too in-your-face.)